I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
