I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
