yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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