So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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