I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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