20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
