I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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