You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
