I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
