i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
