I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I could fuck to npr.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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