WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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