I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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