so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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