i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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