I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
