So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
