FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
