Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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