VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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