I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
