My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
