Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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