i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
