My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
