She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
