you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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