boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
