This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
