According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
