The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
