Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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