i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
