you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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