Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My liver just broke up with me...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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