I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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