Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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