I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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