so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
