Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
