Duck Duck Cougar?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am spending my child support on dildos
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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