I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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