just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
