Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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