i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
