I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
