my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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