I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
