Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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