dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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