she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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