my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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