I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
