dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
