Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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