I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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