i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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