Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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