i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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