People in love make me want to vomit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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