thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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